Where are we now? The new normal that is not normal

By Carol K. Kennedy, PHD

Making the holidays a time of joy, not stress

Let's do a mental check in at this point of time.  Students are back in school in-person, people are vaccinated, children can get vaccinated. Life looks somewhat normal.

We are about to spend the holidays with our loved ones in-person or again.  What does this mean and what does this look like for you and your child?

Expectations- real and imagined. Expectations are running high this year for the holidays- we are excited to see our loved ones who we have not seen in a long time.  However, we need to keep these realistic  Your child has grown and changed over the past year.  They may not be used to being in a large social situation, interacting with relatives they may not know, have seen, or spent time with.  There is going to be a lot of stimulation, excitement and perhaps this may be too much for them.  They will also have to deal with conflict around them, including other people who may be oppositional or expecting them to behave in a certain way. Under the best of circumstances being in a large group, in relatives houses with different rules, being expected to behave properly can be very challenging for our children as we well know.  Now add into the mix being away from each other for so long can add to the pressure.  Too much stimulation.  

Prevent a melt-down ahead of time: A quick checklist

1. First know your child and recognize their triggers, ask them about their triggers

2. Explain expectations to them ahead of time 

3. Give them a quiet place for them to retreat to if things get to be too much - even if it is in a relative's house - ask ahead of time. 

4. Know when to leave the party. Don't wait until it is too late and your child is in a complete melt-down.  Better to leave early.  Give your child plenty of warning about when it is time to go to allow for transition time. 

Make your child comfortable in their own home. If the party is at your own house, allow them to go to their rooms to be quiet and alone. To collect themselves and not get overwhelmed.  Give them simple tasks to help them contribute to the gathering so they feel included and engaged.  Protect your child from overly enthusiastic relatives and friends, including unwanted hugs, questions and kisses, loud voices ( I know my own extended family can get louder).  Allow your child time to greet and say goodbye to guests, but don't force them. 

Presents: To avoid disappointment, make sure that your child's expectations of presents be realistic in this time of shortages, family incomes and even the ability to get presents shipped in time. Maybe Grandma wasn't able to navigate the internet and get the perfect gift shipped by the holidays.

Empty seats at the table:  Those family members and friends who have passed from Covid or other causes who are no longer with us.  This can be very upsetting when we realize that we are missing loved ones,  and can exacerbate our feeling of loss.  I know personally that I have lost many people in the past two years.  One important person was one of my oldest and dearest friends who was an unofficial uncle to my kids. He has always been present at Thanksgiving at our table.  How do we deal with this in a positive way without putting a damper on festivities and good cheer?  Let's remember how much we loved the person and how grateful we were to have them for the time we did.  Let's talk about them and recall happy memories, even funny moments we all shared together. Celebrate their lives and acknowledge how much we miss them. Don't pretend that they did not exist or are just away this year. 

Remember that as parents we want our children to have the perfect holiday, although there is no perfect holiday, especially now still dealing with Covid and all that we have been through.

Try to keep expectations realistic, within boundaries and focus on the fact that we can be together if we choose to.  Happy Holidays!